Nesting

I've been cleaning out the house this past week. I'm really trying to get rid of as much stuff as possible to prepare for the move. Today is garbage day and we put a lot out. I also have about 5 big bags of stuff to go to the Second Mile, our local Goodwill type place. And there is hardly a dent made, of course. I bought an organization magazine last week and it helps to look at it. My sister has been sending me articles from Real Simple etc. about getting rid of clutter too and that is also motivating. It's hard to let go of stuff but feels good and right. Even looking at pictures of my new house is helpful. I'm finally looking at the pictures for more detail-- like, are there light fixtures in the ceiling? If not we should bring all our lame standing lamps but if the rooms have lights then I'd rather leave them here. Of course my pictures don't tell me. There are lots of places in the new house that have display type cabinets. I've never really displayed anything- I'm not sure what to put in them. All my life I've needed every inch of everything for storage only (ok, I may have had one or two small display areas in my last house- before I had kids) and it's not like I have so much nice stuff. I am really impressed by other people's displays, especially some I've seen online recently.

Anyway, it's actually snowing today (April 16th in Philadelphia!) and when it's not snowing there is this nasty rain. T and I didn't leave the house all weekend and I don't think we will today either. She's been really good during all this cleaning. Although she told me she was "sad" when she was playing with a certain toy (Incidentally, it was an empty container for birth control that she thought was a clam. She enjoyed spinning the center part that helps you set the date. Obviously I was cleaning out the bathroom cabinet at the time). She said she was sad because she wanted me to play with her. Generally I can set her up with an activity near me and try to interact while she's playing but it can take me hours to go through stuff and I can get really into it. Plus the mess of whatever activity I set her up with is another thing I have to deal with after. Yesterday she played with her tea set for a while (there are a lot of pieces) and at another time her dollhouse with all the old school Fisher Price people and furniture- there are a TON of pieces for that. I really need to teach her how to clean up after herself. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so hard for me to bend down, but at 38 weeks pregnant it's quite a chore. And she does clean up after herself really well sometimes but during this cleaning stint I've been pushing her to her limit of self-entertainment and when she's done she's really done. Not that that's an excuse.

Well I guess I better make some coffee if I plan on getting any cleaning done today.

labor pains, false alarm

Really thought I could be in labor last night. With T, I never thought I was in labor until I actually was and there was no mistaking that feeling. So why do I think every pang in my belly could be it this time? I was actually a little pissed to think I might be in labor-- I didn't have a bag packed, didn't know who would take care of T, Ron is working a lot this week and weekend, my brother is coming for a visit, the house is a wreck, etc. Plus I don't want my son to have the same birthday as me (tomorrow in case anyone is interested). The thing that pissed me off the most was that I started feeling pains at about 10:30 pm and I was REALLY tired. As I lay in bed and pondered whether or not I was really in labor and what I should do next, I tried to fall asleep figuring I would need all the sleep I could get. Finally I woke up in the morning and all was fine. So... false alarm I guess BUT... what the hell WAS that?

The interesting thing is that I seemed to have learned NO LESSONS from this little false alarm. I STILL haven't packed a bag or made any plans for T. Maybe tomorrow. I mean, the baby isn't due for almost 3 weeks, right?

About being pregnant

I know I haven't written much about being pregnant. I don't want to be a complainer. Even though the beginning of this pregnancy was a little harder than my first (a bit of nausea, some tiredness, a little unexpected depression for a few weeks) I felt like I didn't have time to think about it because I was preoccupied with taking care of Talia. I also know people who struggle with infertility so it seemed silly to complain. Of course, that made me feel more guilty and confused about those few weeks of depression-- I really wanted to be pregnant.

As time wore on I felt better and my pregnancy followed a more traditional trajectory-- felt slightly yucky in the first trimester and then much better in the second. Ron and I took a trip to Paris, we had the whole job search thing going on, and the holidays came and went.

And then the third trimester came. I can honestly say I have been feeling uncomfortable for at least 6 weeks now. I have had a low grade cold on and off (mostly on) since early February. Most of all, though, is how fucking uncomfortable I am. I am carrying so differently this time around. Classic boy belly as opposed to classic girl physique when I was carrying Talia. I haven't gained very much weight at all-- less than 20 pounds at my last visit (I weighed more 6 weeks ago but had a stomach flu, lost a bunch and have been catching up). I can assure you every pound of that 20 is in my belly. I can't breathe, I can't get comfortable, I can't sleep at night (turning over is a huge event for me and involves huffing and puffing), my appetite is erratic, and I certainly can't climb the stairs. I have terrible heartburn even though I'm on Prevacid. I actually think things like, oh it would be nice to take Talia to the zoo but I can't see myself walking that much. We had a layover in Chicago last week and had to walk at least 100 miles between terminals. Ron carried Talia, I carried my backpack and hers and I seriously thought I would die. Most of all I find this embarrassing.

I try not to talk about it but find myself doing it anyway and it feels so stupid coming out of my mouth. I know people who are on bedrest. I know people who can't get pregnant. I know people who are carrying twins. I know people who have miscarriages. It seems futile and petty to complain. I've mostly started complaining to Ron, who reacts by saying that we definitely won't be having any more kids because I find it so taxing, which I think is really fucking insensitive. I think I complain to him the most because he's the one I need to help me out a little bit extra. If he had ANY idea how much trouble it is for me to bend over to pick up his crap and Talia's toys he would just pick it up himself! I keep trying to make this clear to him but he can't seem to remember. It doesn't hurt him physically to bend over or run up the stairs to get something, or move in certain positions like pulling the garbage bag out of the can, but it is really hard for me! I can't even breathe! He has completely taken over bathtime, which is great because I can't see myself getting up to the third floor, bending over to wash Talia, or possibly carrying her down the stairs (they're really slippery if you're wet). I see every task this way-- how hard will this be for my pregnant self to do? The overwhelming feeling is that I'm out of shape and I have to remind myself that I'm NOT out of shape (not more than I was before I got pregnant anyway) but I'm PREGNANT. VERY PREGNANT!

I am SO ready for this baby to come out. I know how much easier it is to take care of a baby when it's inside and I know that I won't be able to finish any of my current projects, like quilting or packing the house but I would be perfectly happy for this baby to come ANYTIME after this week. I'm ready to find out what our new life will be like. Every plan we try to make, regarding moving or deciding how many days Talia should spend in preschool this summer, or whether or not I will be able to handle flying with the two kids alone so Ron can drive a car out to Madison, EVERYTHING is contigent on how everything goes with a new baby. It's going to be hard and it's going to happen anyway, I may as well find out now. Please...!