yada yada yada

I'm just going to yada yada over the last month. Yes, I had (have?) postpartum depression. Yes, I'm doing much much (MUCH) better. So, yada yada yada, Shayna is almost three months old, Alex turned 3 and spring is here. I missed out on some things over the last month but I'm not going to dwell on any of it. We have made some positive changes in our household; namely we hired a nanny to help out three days a week. She hasn't started yet but I have such high hopes! The kids became a tiny bit more self-reliant which is always good and Ron really stepped up to the plate. More on Alex's pitiful birthday celebration (ok, not pitiful in and of itself but compared to Talia) when I have another moment. Whew.

Let me count the ways...

So Shayna is six weeks old tonight. Have we really made it this far? Is time flying so fast or crawling-- I can't tell? In some ways I feel like I can't remember what life was like without her. In other ways I feel like, "So this is my life now?" as in, I'm never going to have time to myself ever again, I'm always going to feel like I'm shortchanging at least one of the kids (not to mention my husband), I'm still not sure how I'm going to manage to run a household with a baby plus two big kids. I try to take a breath and sit back and remember I felt this way about having one and then having two...

Shayna is a GREAT baby. She sleeps a LOT and still always manages to sleep well at night. Talia was an ok baby but Alex was a really shitty baby so Shayna is an absolute dream compared to him. The kids adjusted so well-- they are both in love with her and there hasn't been any fallout from the new addition. They still have their issues (Talia is NOT a good listener and Alex, while potty trained, never ever tells us he has to go. We just take him every two hours and we're fine-- or he'll just go in his pants) but nothing has changed in their behavior since she was born (actually they now play together soooooo well!). Shayna has become quite a little fat one. She's busting out of her newborn size clothes and we're into the 0-3 mo. stuff now. Nursing is, well, I won't bore you to death with my complicated and frustrating nursing story but let's just say that, for the time being, we have a system going and she gets whatever I have to give her. She has lots of hair but what's more remarkable is how LONG it is. It's longer in the back than Alex's and almost as long as Talia's. She needs a cut or she's going to have a mullet... By 6 weeks, Talia's hair had lightened up considerably and Alex's had mostly fallen out but was also light. Her eyes are unmistakably blue but again, much darker than the other kids. She seems good natured and easy going and we're all thankful for that. I've been able to get her to smile and she has TWO dimples. I can't wait to show them off!

In looking through old posts in order to prove what a bad baby Alex was (and I couldn't really find any so I must not have been very truthful here) I could see how quickly Alex became a real person. Sometimes I find myself looking at Shayna and trying to force myself to really SEE her. I can't even see her when I'm looking right at her. I know this babyhood disappears in the blink of an eye. It's gone already-- but try as I might, it's really hard to be present and experience it fully.

Thriving

We are doing quite well, considering. Shayna is a very good baby. She has her own surprisingly predictable schedule that is conducive to the family's needs. Let's just put it plainly-- she sleeps a lot. Now that she's almost 5 weeks we're all smiling at her like crazy, hoping we will be the one on whom she bestows her first social smile. Her sleepy, unintentional smiles are a ray of sunshine on my day.

Just a taste

Just a taste to whet your appetite! Here is baby Shayna, 1 week old.

Doing well so far...

We're all getting used to our new family. So far, all is well. Shayna is still a sleepy little thing. Feeding takes a loooooong time and a lot of energy on my part but we're working on it. The kids intermittently dote on her and ignore her. Ron is home for a week and a half-- who knows how we'll manage to keep everyone on track after that!?!

She has arrived!

Shayna is here! She was born on Valentine's Day and is teeny tiny-- 6 lbs. 3 oz., 18.5 inches. Although the labor was quick (5 hours start to finish) it hurt like hell! I got to leave the hospital 12 hours later so I'm thankful for that. Adjusting to three kids is going to be challenging. Bedtime last night was a three ring circus of needs and I had only gotten two hours of sleep since the delivery. Then the baby screamed for 4 hours, starving because breastfeeding isn't going so well. At least the big kids slept through the night. Ron had to work today but is off for a week and a half now and my mother-in-law was able to help today. I'm looking at a few tough days ahead with the sleep deprivation and adjustments but hopefully we'll all make it just fine! At least seeing Talia and Alex with Shayna is its own reward... Wish me luck!

More Birds, No Baby

Still crossing things off my list, I guess. The first bird mobile is for Bloom Bake Shop, a new cupcake shop on Parmenter in Middleton near Villa Dolce. The place is really cute, the cupcakes are delicious and the shop is owned by a great friend so stop by! Annemarie always admires a collection of these birds that I made and attached to a thrifted birdcage so I decided to make her a mobile as a "housewarming" for her new adventure. The second picture is of the mobile I just finished for Talia's room. All the fabric is from my stash and it should coordinate well with her new bedding. Hopefully I can get around to finding a ceiling hook and get it up in her room sometime soon.

Still no baby, but I have 4 more days until my due date. Interestingly enough, I was obsessed with birds right around the time Alex was due too!

Getting Ready

Little signs all over the house that a baby is coming. I made slings for both big kids. Got the co-sleeper out, although I put it in Talia's room and it now has books in it. Cloth diapers are all organized. Today I did the last and most important thing. I got two new car seats and had them professionally installed. Alex's car seat was HUGE so I downsized him to a booster with a 5 point harness and purchased an infant seat. It's a very tight squeeze.

I am in love with the service I received from the Safety Center at the Children's Hospital here in Madison. The car seat guy TESTED out the car seats I wanted and rearranged them into a few different configurations. The seats were cheaper than in the store (and the infant one is really cute). He took the new seats out of the box for me, put the infant seat together (that awning thing had to be completely assembled...), installed them properly into my car and then re-installed the infant seat-- not because it wasn't done properly (the indicator on the seat said it was fine) but because he didn't want the baby's head to flop around. I always say I'm going to write to a company to praise a worker for great service but this time I will really do it! Thank you Jim! There is NO WAY I could have done that myself. I was afraid Talia would be jealous that everyone got a new seat but her and also she says she wants to sit in the middle so she can hold the baby's hand but she seemed ok about it. She said she was happy to be sitting next to Alex again (I had separated them because I couldn't haul Alex into the middle with my growing belly). She did say she was squished and there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY she will be able to buckle herself. I am currently taking bets as to how many days it will be before we purchase a minivan.

Now that I've completed that last and most important task, I'm ready for baby. The only thing I haven't done is finish the baby's quilt. I need about a week of undivided attention for that so... it's a long shot, but possible. We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight so either I'll go into labor or make the kids watch tv all day tomorrow (or let them TRASH the entire house) so I can sew...

San Diego Vacation

We had a great time in San Diego over the winter break. I'm sure this is the last trip that will have seemed "easy" to us for quite some time. We finally have the whole process down pat and we had to go and have another kid. What were we thinking? The kids were extremely well behaved-- the flights were a cinch. We've stopped bringing the clunky DVD player. Instead we brought a movie or two on the ipod but they didn't really watch it. Alex played with his cars the whole time and Talia colored, played with her playmobils and played some ipod games. The key is to sit two and two, across the aisle. That way the kids don't fight over anything, the parents can switch or the kids can switch when someone needs a break and the parents can hand each other things across the aisle. The other key is have healthy meals and snacks plus a few special goodies. I think eating crap while traveling leads to a poor attitude in general. Also, a packing list really helps me stay sane and stress-free in the days leading up to a trip. It has everything my kids need from sunhats to snowsuits and I just print it out each trip and cross off what I don't need while gathering what I do. It helps when packing to go home too-- you won't forget your booklight under the bed if you see it on the list. And I'm not the most "list-y" person.

The weather wasn't as warm as we had hoped it would be but compared to Wisconsin and snow, it was just fine. Never warm enough to sit by a pool though, much less get into water. That's ok-- I'm not looking so great in my maternity bathing suit these days! We met up with my family (staying 75 minutes north in a resort while we stayed in my in-laws' condo) 4 times. Two of those days, unfortunately, were the colder, rainier days of the trip. We explored a little bit of the coast with them, went to Disneyland (my favorite part of the trip!) and hung out at the condo on one rainy day (played poker too and I won $40). My sister and her family came down to SD and we went to Seaworld. Without my extended family we went to Balboa Park and the Science museum and explored the cactus and rose gardens which was something we hadn't done before. We also went to the La Jolla farmer's market, which we love, and when my in-laws came at the end of our stay we went to the Wild Animal Park.

All in all, a lot of activities but I think that's another key to our trip's success. Make a plan and get out. We did all of our activities early and therefore were able to be home by 3 or 4 and give Alex a little bit of a nap. We ate many meals in the condo and packed lunches for each trip so we could eat healthy but save room for a treat. It just feels better that way. I actually lost a pound over the holidays despite being 34 weeks pregnant! Must have been all that walking. The kids actually slept together in a bed, in their own room, for the first time ever and it worked out great. I wish now that we had gotten the twin-over-full bunk bed so they could continue, if they wanted. Then again, they seem to be doing ok now that we're home so that's better. PUTTING them to bed together was nice but Alex is a kicker for sure. Ron and I were able to have our own room too, although sharing a queen is NOT the same as a king. Plus I need lots of room these days.

Now we're home, it's snowing again and it's time to settle in for our long winter's nap. 6 more weeks until the baby is due. It doesn't seem like a very long time. I have been on a spending frenzy, trying to control some anxiety through shopping for baby essentials. I bought ONE bottle and ONE pacifier and ONE box of diapers, a few outfits, a Moby Wrap carrier and one of those car seat cover things so your baby doesn't freeze when you take her outside (never needed one before). That may not sound like a spending frenzy but I also bought new bedding for the big kids (new beds = new bedding) and lots of other bigger ticket items that I can't seem to think of right now. I'm giving myself a break and signing up for the cloth diaper service for a few months-- I didn't use cloth for Alex when he was a newborn and he was never a pooper so I don't even know HOW to clean newborn poopy diapers. I'm excited about all the cute cloth diapers I've been seeing around.

I still don't know how I'll ever be able to take the kids to school in this weather with a new one but other people do it so I can do it too. Today Talia walked into school by herself for the second time (the first time a friend was walking in at the same time) and I was able to attach her snowsuit to her backpack so hopefully it worked out ok. I think I see a lot of that happening from now on. The parking lot is really small and messy and filled with snow. Often I can't even get to both sides of the car to open the doors. Enough procrastination for now-- I have a lot to do today!

Recent Happenings

I would like to give some excuse for not posting in so long (almost a month!) but I have none. Everything is going relatively smoothly-- this has still been my easiest pregnancy. There are days when I feel less able to move around comfortably (today, for one..) but I can never seem to figure out why. Eight more weeks. I am starting to get stressed out a little bit about that. I'm realizing now that I'll never get all that house organizing done. I wanted to go through each closet, each drawer, each tiny space and get rid of everything I own. Maybe I need to watch an episode of Hoarders each day-- that does get me motivated! Instead I'm sidetracked by the everyday organizing and cleaning (that damn mudroom full of snowboots and snowsuits and school bags and lunchboxes and coats and groceries and...) and rarely get that enough under control to move on to organizing what is hidden away in the closets. I did get to organizing the kids' old clothes and ended up with about 12 huge bins that are organized by size. (Note that I have given away all of Alex's clothes under size 18 months and all of Talia's clothes under 4T so this sadly represents only a year or two. Must watch Hoarders more often!) I still have to go through their more current clothes and lots of miscellaneous shoes and winter gear that are just thrown on the floor in our storage room.

I bought a new point and shoot digital camera, which explains why I haven't been taking many photos (the LCD screen on my old one broke) and so I have some new pictures. I'm actually returning the new camera (too slow to respond...) and trying a different one but that's another story. The pix in the above collage represent the past week or so-- Talia and I went to see the Nutcracker. See how I'm hiding my pregnant self behind my kid? Nice. Hanukkah came and went with big gifts of an American Girl doll for Talia and the Playmobil airplane AND airport terminal for Alex (if we have to play with him we may as well make it fun for ourselves...) and many many many many smaller presents for each. Talia had her first ski lesson and was AMAZING! After an hour-long private lesson she was able to ski down the slope, get on the rope tow, come up, ski down, come up etc. She is even able to stop, troubleshoot, fall and get up. She loved it. I've been on and off with cooking lately but this past week I cooked a bunch of meals (butternut squash risotto, middle eastern chickpeas and spinach with yogurt sauce, orchiette with broccolini, chickpea and bread soup, cauliflower with panko). Last week I picked out a month's worth of recipes and that seems to have worked out pretty well. All the clean up is really too much for me though and keeps me from those other organizing projects (see paragraph number one!).

The kids are now off from school for TWO WEEKS. I'm really excited about not having to get them out of the house in the morning (though now they are used to getting up at 7am so I suspect I won't get to sleep in at all...) but not excited about entertaining them for so many days. I need to force myself to take them out for an activity each day. They don't really want to go (they are pajama homebodies like me) but it will give structure to the day. Tomorrow we are getting a HUGE delivery of a bunk bed for Talia's room. I guess that means that we are finally going to get Alex out of the crib. I wonder how that will go, since it seems like he couldn't care less about it. He's been crying at bedtime (and naptime too sometimes) lately so I can't imagine it will go well. He's welcome to sleep in Talia's room on the bottom bunk but who knows how that will be? Talia is such a light sleeper. If he cries she will certainly wake up and if I spend time cuddling him and trying to get him back to sleep she gets jealous. ("You love him more than me" is a popular phrase in our house; a topic for another day). I guess that's what winter break is for-- to try new sleeping arrangements out! We have no idea where to put the new baby-- not that it will matter for a few months, she'll just stay in our room-- but if Talia and Alex did want to room together it would solve some problems... We have an upcoming vacation as well so don't feel *too* sorry for me having the kids home for two weeks.

That's all for now. I get my new new new camera tomorrow or the next day so I guess I will be taking lots more pictures and perhaps will post a little more frequently... Happy holidays to all.

still in the fog

Totally overwhelmed. I completely forgot how hard it is to care for a newborn. Add that to taking care of my toddler and I'm half-drowning. How do you even know what a newborn wants? I feel like I'm shoving my breast in his face every time he cries. Is that the right thing to do? I seriously can't remember what to do.

The Birth

Long story short, I went in for an appointment, the midwife did some manual manipulation "down there" (sweeping the membranes) and I started cramping right away. A few hours later I was pretty sure I was in labor. I had an acupuncturist come and she helped things along as well. I don't know how I would've known when to go to the midwife because my contractions were irregular-- 10 minutes apart, 4 minutes apart etc. Jessi came and checked my cervix and told me to get going (Thanks Jessi!). Got to the birthing suite at 7:30 pm. Most painful two hours of my life and then Alex was born.

He was breathing really fast all night and they wanted to transfer us to the NICU. Even longer story short, we went to the newborn nursery at Bryn Mawr Hospital, where Alex was admitted but I was not. I, therefore, had to sit on a chair near the newborn nursery 12 hours after I had given birth and just hang out. Fun. No one really did anything to him-- he had some bloodwork to make sure he didn't have an infection. Honestly-- he looked great but was just breathing too fast. They diagnosed him with TTN- transient tachypnea of the newborn, supposedly from coming out too fast (not fast enough in my opinion).

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/medical/lungs/ttn.html

Then they sent us home. Talia was happy to meet her brother, I was feeling pretty good (energetic, happy to be home, ready to get started on my new life). The first afternoon we all took a family nap and nighttime wasn't too bad.

More newborn problems/ Breastfeeding

Of course Alex stopped pooping and peeing within the first three days. Same thing with Talia. Everyone knows I had low-milk supply with T and gave up breastfeeding pretty quickly. This time I was determined to work through it. We supplemented him so that he wouldn't die and kept going. Then he got jaundiced from not eliminating. We are still breastfeeding and supplementing. Breastfeeding is actually going better this time around. Every time he falls off the breast his mouth is filled with milk but then he starts crying and rooting and all that. Pretty much he seems like he's starving and downs two or three ounces of formula really fast- even if he's just eaten. I hate not knowing how much he's eaten. I also hate having to park myself for 45 minutes every few hours and then STILL have to give him a bottle. I'm sure he's going to start refusing the breast soon anyway. I'm having trouble taking care of Talia and breastfeeding at the same time. It's fucking with my head. Very confusing. I'm not sure why (or even if) I'm attached to nursing. I don't love it or anything. I remember that once I gave up nursing Talia I started feeling much better emotionally. So I don't know how long I'll hold on.

Bottom line/ Update: I still have no sensation in my breasts that milk has come in and definitely haven't ever felt a "let down". I think he's getting less and less-- lately there is a lot of sucking and little swallowing. Certainly there has never been a DROP of milk in my bra or anything. Alex is 11 days old now and I think I'm going to give it up. It's my
mother's day gift to myself, Talia and Ron. I'll find some way to make it up to Alex... someday.

Baby Blues
I miss Talia so much. I miss her when she's sitting next to me. I miss her when I'm hugging her. I miss her right now. She's not acting up too much. She has said, "Put Alex down" or "hold ME mommy" or other similar things.

As I said, I have NO IDEA how I'll handle two. I feel like I'm a terrible mother to BOTH kids. I just want Alex to sleep and I just want Talia to be a good girl. We've never really been big on discipline (our fault, I know) and now we're stuck on a few issues. Bedtime has just gotten longer and longer and more elaborate. We FINALLY are out of her room by 9:45 each night, regardless of whether or not she naps. The bedtime routine, which begins with her bath starts at around 8pm. She didn't cry tonight when I left her room. I guess that's a start.

I have quite a lot more to say but not a lot of time or energy to say it right now. More later, I'm sure.

overdue, more cleaning, and baby birds in a real nest

I never thought I would still be pregnant by now. I feel like I have been pregnant forEVER. Actually I'm feeling better than I was the last few weeks. The minor but annoying cold that I've had for almost 3 months is mostly gone (but may be returning) and I guess the heat from last week was what was making me so swollen and cranky.

Of course, my toddler, who normally sleeps until 8ish is now getting up at 6:30am. Coffee is my friend.

I've been decluttering like a madwoman. Yesterday I did most of the office. I had already done quite a bit but came out with 2 huge trash bags and a huge box of paper for recycling. There are still 2 bookcases but that stuff is mostly Ron's. He can't seem to part with paper or file it either so it just stands in huge piles everywhere, all over the house. I would LOVE to get rid of his magazines. If he won't go through them-- I WILL! Who needs New Yorkers from 5 years ago? Who needs free radiology journals that he never even took out of the plastic (and why do they come in plastic to begin with?)

There is only one more major room to be tackled-- our "junk room" that is filled with toys mostly, but also other things. I've already done a lot of work on it but that means that the stuff that remains is all the stuff that I don't know what to do with. It's a big job but Talia helps me by finding lots of things to play with in there. Now we have a robin's nest in the window with two beautiful eggs but the mama freaks out every time I go in the room. Last year either the eggs didn't make it or she killed them herself because she was so afraid of me. This year I taped a big cardboard in the window so she doesn't see me ALL THE TIME. Hopefully this will help- although I find it so exciting to see when the eggs will hatch. Two years ago I took a video of the new baby birds and they were so alien looking and freaky. Then again, if the mama is so annoyed by me, why build her nest in the same window?

Is it weird that as I'm nesting there is a real bird in a real nest in my window? Symbolism, anyone?

Well, I hope I have this baby soon. Yesterday was my due date, according to my personal calculations. Today is the day according to the midwife. I don't feel like anything is happening (I actually feel like LESS is happening than before). Could I really be pregnant for TWO MORE WEEKS? I remember with T telling my sister that I wasn't feeling ANYTHING and then two hours later starting labor so... keep your fingers crossed.

Still no baby

Despite having contractions almost every day, there is still no baby. I'm due Friday and T was born one day early so that still gives me a few days. Each small task I perform is filled with symbolism and hope-- if I finish the quilt he will come. If I finally buy a box of diapers he will come. If I pack a bag for the birth center he will come. When Talia was born we went out for sushi the night before so on Sunday we all went back to our favorite place, Sagami in NJ. Talia LOVES sushi and a nice dinner was had by all but... no baby. The last thing I can think of is to pick out a middle name. The baby naming book fell behind the radiator some time ago. I asked Ron to get it tonight but... he forgot. So it's his fault, I guess.

Newsflash: Second kid gets the shaft!

I finished the quilt my upcoming baby (due a week from today... or tomorrow, depending on who is doing the calculating). I wanted to do a good job. Really. From far away, of course, it looks fine. I did not, however, do my most professional job on this quilt. First of all, if I had really though about it I would've placed the squares a little differently. I mean, there are two yellows (the ONLY two yellows) right next to each other! Plus this quilt was screaming at me for another column-- but that would've meant that it would have been bigger than 45 inches across, meaning I would've had to piece together the backing instead of just using the fabric that I bought. I didn't want to line it/ use batting or anything because I like the weight and flexibility of simple double- sided flannel quilts *but* in this case the design from the backing fabric would have shown through the off-white on the front (who makes an off-white quilt for a BABY anyway?) so I lined it with an extra piece of off0white flannel. This makes the quilt three layers of flannel. And that's fine. One of the great things about flannel quilts is that you basically don't have to baste them. The flannel acts like a kind of velcro and if you're not a perfectionist it all works out ok. Unless you are using three pieces instead of two. So I didn't baste it and it's not as flat/ well put together as it should be. Lastly and this might be most important, the binding. I made binding, but not bias binding-- fine that's not so bad. But I machine sewed it on. Both sides. And I did it before I quilted it, which I just did in the seams of the columns only. It doesn't look great but it's finished, which is good because it means this baby can come any time now.

When Talia was born I had a huge list of things I wanted to accomplish, like move some rooms around, stain the wood for our new railings on that stairs, and fix a mosaic table that had been damaged. The table was the last thing on my list. I remember talking to Ron on the phone saying, "Well, I just finished the table so I guess she can come now" and then going upstairs to relax and having my first contraction within an hour. In some ways I was stalling on the quilt for this reason and in some ways I was stalling because I wanted to do a better job on it, fix some of the problems, add that extra column. But of course now I'm in the middle of clutter clearing for the upcoming move (basically 8 weeks away) and also wanting to spend some more QT with Talia. I knew if I didn't finish it yesterday it wouldn't get done.

So this is my first apology to my new kid. I do promise to make you many quilts in the future. If you look at Talia's first quilt, you will see that I did a pretty shitty job on that too, but only for lack of experience. And I never even finished her second quilt, although I plan to do so someday, probably by the time she has a kid in 20-30 years since the fabric is very baby centered. I also apologize for some of the things I haven't done during this pregnancy, like: have a lot of conversations with you, read any of the pregnancy books to find out what new tricks you can do inside of me, eat well, exercise (not that I did that for your sister either), play you music or read you stories. I do promise to do all of those things after you are born (except exercise-- hopefully but no promises!)

Being the second child myself I am a little worried to find out exactly how much the second kid does get the shaft. Fewer presents, fewer pictures, less excitement in general, no QT, etc. I am pretty happy being a middle child and think I have (the positive aspects of a) middle child personality even though it was almost 8 years before my little brother was born. I don't really remember what life was like as the baby of the family. I have been told that my sister really liked me at first but I think this might be a ruse.

I go back and forth feeling sorry for Talia, whose life is going to be rocked in so many ways (the baby and the move being the major changes), and thinking this is a fantastic gift I get to give her. Up until a few days ago I was on the "fantastic gift" part but right now I'm in the "mourning phase" again. I am mourning the special time that we have always spent together, knowing that from now on it will be much less frequent, more distracted, probably have to be scheduled. I'm thinking of keeping her home from school today. She doesn't want to go anyway, has been really helpful as I clean (ok, not HELPFUL exactly but happy to find new toys and easily entertained while I clean), and I feel like taking an afternoon nap anyway. I don't have too many errands to run-- BJ's for newborn diapers if I make it and a trip to the Parking Authority which would be a nice walk on a day like today if I could walk more than a block without having to take a nap. So resolved-- I will keep her home from school today-- how many more days will we have together? Of course, that means that she will be home for 4 days in a row now but Ron has the weekend off and our plan is to spend some family QT together if possible. Everything I think of doing (Longwood Gardens, the zoo, whatever) involves a lot of walking so I'm not sure what we will end up doing.

Anyway, I guess I should start my day. The coffee is kicking in. Talia wants to take a shower together and the prospect of getting her dressed without tights or leggings (70 degrees today!) is kind of exciting.

Hope you all have a nice day too.