It's Starting...

It's no secret that I haven't bonded with Alex the way I did with Talia (instantaneously and stronger than anything I've ever felt in my life). I don't know if it is because he's a boy or because he's the second child. Or is it that the move to Wisconsin came less than two months after he was born. Or because I had him naturally (I had an epidural with T) and it hurt like hell. Or was it the crying crying crying?

My mom talks about how having my sister, her first child, ruined her life. She didn't think about whether or not to have children, it was just what everyone did. She never realized how it would change her life. When I asked why she had me she said that it wasn't that she didn't love my sister, just that she ruined my mom's life and since her life was already ruined she may as well have a second (and a third). I never felt that Talia ruined my life. I didn't really care so much that I didn't have time for anything. I didn't want to follow my general creative pursuits-- she was my greatest creation and I was content to sit and watch her grow and to nurture and spoil her. I never put her down. I never thought, ok she's asleep, can I go and do... whatever. There wasn't anything else I wanted to do.

Don't get me wrong, there was a time when I was exasperated and felt like I lost my identity as a person and had become only "Talia's mother" but that didn't happen until she was about 15 months old and most of my friends had finally really gone back to work and I just felt bored. Eventually I found a happy medium-- I sent her to daycare two days a week. I worked one day and did all the house stuff (and some stuff for myself too) the other day. Later, she went to preschool two mornings a week as well and I worked less so I started to have some time to myself and felt a renewed energy to be creative again. Well, that and also to try to get my house together for the move. While pregnant.

I just never realized how much my life would change with a second kid. No one bothered to tell me. I resented that my relationship with Talia had to change. I also figured that my desire to do things for myself would disappear again when Alex came. It didn't. At all. I look so longingly at my quilt magazines, shelves of books in the bookstore, even house projects like organizing the pantry (who would want to do that?) and I think that I'll never be able to do them. I put Alex down at every chance I get. I still almost always help Talia first when they both need me (he's so used to crying what's one more minute anyway?) I resent the fact that I can't really give quality time to either kid and I'm so sick of people NEEDING THINGS FROM ME! STOP TOUCHING ME!

And yet...

I was just feeding him at midnight and with closed eyes he was gently reaching out to find some part of me to hold onto. His smile is contagious. I'm so proud of him for rolling over-- I feel like he won the Nobel Prize or something. I didn't think I would feel that. I took some naked pictures of him yesterday because I don't want to forget what he looks like at this age. I'm beginning to realize that he might be my last baby and I'm TRYING to be in the moment a little bit more. I look at him sometimes and think, "I love you." That's kind of new.

My spoiled child or my spoiled self?

Talia: The cleaning people really need to come back here!

Me: Why?

Talia: 'Cause this house is a MESS!

Today is Wednesday. The cleaning people (who I can't even afford-- $160 can you believe it!?) came Monday. Talia is totally right-- the house IS a mess.

We found softie!

T's softie was missing for two nights. We had NO IDEA where it was, only that it was in the house. Ron and I looked EVERYWHERE. A MILLION TIMES! The cleaning people even came and we still didn't find it. Finally, this morning, Talia was showing me what she wanted for breakfast (Cheetos, which she didn't not have for breakfast but *did* have as a very early snack today). I had the Cheetos hidden (so I thought) in the pantry, where the door doesn't quite open all the way. Only Talia can really fit behind it. All of a sudden I looked down and there was softie. She was standing on it. I screamed "SOFTIE!" and we both started laughing. What a relief. Interestingly enough, she wasn't that upset about losing softie to begin with. She was easily appeased with a blanket she uses at daycare. Traitor.

Incidentally, I asked her what her favorite part of the day was today (a nightly ritual) and she said "When Daddy was holding Boo in the air and Boo spit up in his face!" which we didn't exactly witness but saw the aftermath of Ron with spit up on his face and glasses. We thought that was damn funny.

Boo rolled over!

I was busy so I put him on his belly. When I turned around a few moments (ok, a little longer than a FEW moments) he was lying on his back! Talia was my witness- we tried it twice more and both times he rolled from his front to his back. By the end he was mad as hell so it kind of seemed like a fluke-- he was flailing and all, but that's how they discover these things, right?

Why we call him Boo, I'm not sure. I like it but don't want it to be his name as an adult! We started calling him Binker Boo and Binx, and then somehow ended up with just Boo and it sticks. I mean, that's the actual name we use about 75% of the time. At least Talia's nickname is cool (We call her T most of the time). Poor Boo.

I made something!

I'm pretty sure this is the first thing I've really made since Alex was born. I pulled out an old fisher-price playhouse (vintage of course) for Talia to play with in the basement and put Alex on the playmat. My craft room is completely unorganized but I pulled out a bunch of fabric so I could make some onesie patches for a friend's new baby. I fused the patch lightly to the onesie and then zigzag stitched it on. It probably only took 15 minutes (and will only take 10 for the next ones) but it was really hard to fit it into our day-- especially when I'm nervous to iron around the kids. I used sharp sewing scissors with Alex in my lap-- is that wrong? I bought a set of 5 onesies and I hope to finish them for my friend tomorrow. I think I might embellish this one a little more. The onesies are so small there isn't a lot of room for the patch. This fabric has a lot of color but I had to choose only one small image for the patch. I got a strong sense of satisfaction from this little project though!

Cousins!

Details:: 2 :: Greenery

I have always wanted a home filled with plants. This is my start. I don't have the best record with keeping plants alive. I doubt any of those flowers will last long but I'm trying! I might even get another bench and put it along the adjacent wall. I had a hard time finding a piece of furniture that would serve this purpose and fit in the space. I'm thrilled with that bench. It even matches. I guess maybe I *should* run out and get another one before they are gone! Picking the flower pots was fun too-- I still need one or two. I'll take a close up of some later. Tonight I saw these fabric pots online. I really want one!

My two babes

The Prize Jar: Bribes Work... sometimes

Can you believe I have a 3 1/2 year old who rarely sleeps through the night? I went to Party City and bought about a dozen little prizes under $1, like a ball with a butterly on it, a Hello Kitty pencil, a Cinderella Pez dispenser etc. and put them in a jar. I told Talia that she could have a prize if she went to sleep without making a big fuss, didn't call for us overnight (thunderstorms excluded, of course) and didn't get out of bed until her clock said 7:00. Well... it totally worked! She got each of her prizes in the morning and now that we're out of prizes she still seems to be sleeping through the night without a problem. Whew.

Of course, I have promised her everything in the world if she would JUST POOP ON THE POTTY. She's been peeing on the potty for almost a year. I mean, really! What's the problem?

Details:: 1 :: Sunshine in the cabinet

I think I'll try to post once a week on something I love or some striking feature of my new house.

Week 1: I caught some sunshine filtering through the built in cabinet that separates the dining room from the entryway. The bowl that is glowing was bought by me in New Zealand in 2002 (?) at the Hoglund Art Glass Studio and Gallery. I love the cabinet, I love the sunshine, I love handblown glass.

interruptions

I'm enjoying reading blogs more than writing them these days so... sorry I haven't really been updating. Lots of family visiting for the next few weeks. I think my house is under control right now so maybe I'll have some more time to write and upload pictures soon.